A Critique of an Outbound Prospecting email

A CEO at a CustomerCentric Selling® client of mine asked me to review an unsolicited prospecting email he received. I have changed the name of the seller's company. I'm trying to be instructional, not confrontational. Here's my take:

Hi Robert<

It has come to my attention that you have been doing some research on customer relationship management (CRM) software.

(Not bad, he is hoping you are still in the first buying phase - gathering and solidifying requirements.)

The purpose of my email is to introduce myself, open a line of communication, and to hopefully show you how “CRM COMPANY” can give you more visibility into your company’s day to day activities.

(If that’s the case, then the next sentence should be about the issues or concerns that “CRM COMPANY” alleviates for its customers. Instead, the seller goes for rapport, but no trust has been built. Buyers do not want to share rapport with someone they do not trust. Trust is built through exhibiting sincerity and competence SEE COVEY, STEPHEN. See this link for a thorough definition of Trust. Nothing terrible on the sincerity side, but competence cannot be promised or stated as an opinion. Only through success stories and plausible emergencies can the salesperson demonstrate competence.

He pins his rightful place in the CRM world on MORE VISIBILITY, we can only assume this is his strongest capability and an area in which Robert needs help. Not bad, but I am doubtful on this point. There has to be something stronger and more compelling than visibility vis-à-vis the competition. What are the best capabilities vs. the competition? The seller needs to punch that particular capability here.)

We released Version x.x in December and our customers have been raving of the new Robust Features. A web url follows.

(What is “ROBUST” about the new release? This adjective is overused and overly vague. It tells the reader nothing so it is meaningless He is praying that the prospect will click on the roadmap link and then comprehend the value of the description therein. I suspect the click rate is horrible because the tease does not show enough demonstrable competence to warrant spending valuable time digesting the web site.)

Please find my contact information below should you have any questions on any of our commercial offerings or when you are ready to move forward with CRM COMPANY.

(Move forward? That is rather presumptuous. How about “to find out more about how our customers are achieving/increasing/decreasing _____.”)

You can also find a Free 30 Day Evaluation of CRM COMPANY Professional here: [link follows.]

(If you are going to suggest a trial, how about suggesting why a trial would be beneficial? What have others gotten out of it.)

Have a great day,

(Thanks Bon Jovi.)

Comments

[Jon Gatrell]

The day of the formal prospecting emails I think are over. Folks want a conversational tone and something valuable from every piece of content they consume with a reasonable call to action. To your point the corp speak gobblygook is over, if you can't create a meaningful call to action which appeals to a need, then it's wasted keystrokes and the delete button for you. Thanks for the post adam, hope all is well.

~jon